Just Some Joke #2
A man walks into a bar with a large octopus underneath his arm. Ignoring the stares of the other patrons, he walks up, pushes a stool aside, flops the octopus down on the bar with a squish, and puts his hands on his hips, scanning the suddenly attentive room.
“This octopus,” the man intones, “is a world-class, virtuoso musician. I’m announcing a standing wager of $100 that says this octopus can play any musical instrument you put in front of it!”
All eyes then turn questioningly to the members of the band, who have just gone on break.
This guy’s full of shit, thinks the trumpet player. He grabs his horn off its stand, marches over to the bar, and loudly slaps a $100 bill down.
“Let’s see him do something with this,” he says, thrusting the trumpet into the mass of tentacles.
The octopus envelops the trumpet, turns it around a few times, works the valves a bit with his tentacles, fits his beak into the mouthpiece…and out comes the most fantastic jazz trumpet anybody in the bar has ever heard! High notes, low notes, loud and soft, with great melodies to boot. Pretty soon the whole place erupts in applause as the trumpet player takes his now-slimy trumpet back to the bandstand, his wallet $100 lighter.
Man, fuck this octopus, thinks the tenor saxophone player.
“Hey!” he yells as he saunters towards the bar, “let’s see him do something with this!”
Well no sooner has the sax player slapped a $100 bill down and handed the octopus his horn when out of the mass of tentacles comes the most incredible jazz saxophone playing anyone in the bar has ever heard! Furious flurries of notes fly from the horn, each one better than the last, and pretty soon the whole room is clapping along. Finishing with a soulful, bluesy flourish, the octopus hands the horn back to the dejected sax player, who glumly returns it to the bandstand amid uproarious laughter and disbelieving applause.
Suddenly, the doors fly open, and all eyes are drawn to the stranger who has busted in, short of breath. As he slowly makes his way towards the bar, people finally begin to recognize the item he’s holding in both hands as a set of bagpipes.
The murmuring of the crowd dies down as the bagpiper fixes the octopus’s owner with a challenging stare.
“Here,” he says, presenting the bagpipes with a shove. “let’s see him do something with these!”
So the octopus takes the bagpipes and wraps his tentacles around them.
He turns them upside down.
Then right side up.
Then under-side-ways and back around again.
Finally, after about a minute of this with no music coming out, the flustered owner glares down at the octopus.
“Well? Are you gonna play that thing or what?”
“Play it?!” replies the octopus, breathing hard and covered in sweat. “Hell, I’m gonna fuck it once I can figure out how to get its pajamas off!”