Confessions of a Former Fat Guy

This is ostensibly a blog about nutrition and fat loss.

But when I envisioned the sort of content that this blog would have, I realized that while the information on nutrition and fat loss I would be presenting would be new to many of you, there are far more exhaustive sources of information available online. In fact, whenever possible, I’ve linked to that information in an effort to introduce it to as many people as possible.

Instead of that, I feel like I can be of more service in the area of motivation. Of inspiration. When you have a task in front of you, the knowledge that someone else has done it is a huge confidence builder. There is proof that it’s possible, and you naturally think, if that guy can do it, then so can I.

So, in an effort to relate to those of you who have accumulated an excessive amount of fat tissue, I’d like to make a list of recollections from my time as a fat guy. I experienced all these things yet still managed to make my way to the size that I am today. Some of these were one-time things I did, while others were habitual choices; accounts of sloth, embarrassment, and gluttony that today make me cringe until my face hurts and wonder how my body is still even capable of proper function or how I ever stopped being embarrassed about my body.

Lookin' good, Slim!

Lookin’ good, Slim!

I know what it’s like to look in the mirror and think, “How did I let this happen?” I can relate to those who are happy enough people but just feel like shit all the time.

This list will serve not necessarily as a cautionary tale, but as a message of hope; further evidence that no matter how far off course you think you are, you can always turn your ship right around. Today. With your goal firmly and constantly in mind, day after day after day, you literally cannot fail to eventually arrive at your destination so long as you keep going.

The Confessions!

  1. I had cereal for breakfast most mornings, and after seconds and thirds this accounted for over half the box.
  2. One time I absent-mindedly ate an entire loaf of bread while watching after-school TV.
  3. I used to sit in front of the kitchen TV with a jar of peanut butter and a loaf of bread and go to town.
  4. I once ate three Lumberjack Slams from Denny’s in a single 24-hour period. This is true.
  5. I once ate 54 chicken wings in a wing-eating contest and still had dinner later that day.
  6. When my high school brass quintet performed for the grand opening of a Krispy Kreme Donut shop, they paid each of us with a booklet of 20 coupons, each redeemable for a free dozen Krispy Kreme Donuts. That’s 240 donuts; mine were gone in two months, and on several occasions were consumed a dozen at a time.

    I was in it to win it, clearly.

    I was in it to win it, clearly.

  7. I was so lethargic after school that most days I would lay down from 3:30pm until dinner time, sometimes watching TV, other times just napping.
  8. No Bullshit: I once wore sweatpants every day for an entire semester of high school. I think it was during Sophomore year. Now that I think about it, this one is less “Confession” and more “Bragging.”
  9. I regularly had the experience of eating a large meal and then being hungry almost immediately afterwards. By this I mean that I was physically full, stuffed, and bloated-feeling, but would be hunting and pecking around the fridge for something more to eat. Didn’t make sense, but it was a recurring phenomenon for years. Even after Thanksgiving dinner.
  10. The first time I tried to lose weight on purpose was when I was 12 years old. The plan was to have a Slim Fast for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Again, I was fucking twelve.
  11. For a period of several months some time during grade school, I would ride a bike with some friends to a local hotdog shop, get two cheese dogs and a 32-oz. root beer, and ride home. This was in addition to lunch and dinner. You know, like a light snack.
  12. In college, I would often conclude a night of heavy drinking with a 16″ diameter cheese bread (exactly what it sounds like) dipped in ranch at 2 or 3am.
  13. During one winter break, I had a large Sweet Cookies & Cream milkshake from Ben & Jerry’s every day for a week.
  14. One summer during my childhood I took part in a weekday summer camp. Each morning before the activities started, they would have a table set up selling candy and chips. Every day I was there that summer, I started my day with a huge Rice Krispies Treat and a large bag of Skittles. This is more sugar than I currently eat in one week, and I did it five days per week for an entire summer.
  15. During Spring Break of my Junior year of high school, I ate at Denny’s six out of the seven days.
  16. Every time I would go over to a particular friend’s house after school I would eat about ten Oreos and a couple cans of Hawaiian Punch. Pretty sure his mom was pissed I kept eating all their snack food (you know who you are; if you’re reading this, sorry I ate all your shit, dude.).
  17. Good sweet holy shit, I’m getting fatter just making this list.
  18. I once ate an entire package of American Cheese Slices, Homer-Simpson-Style.
  19. Getting changed for gym class? Fuck off.
  20. I used to eat a pint of the grocery store’s spinach dip with a spoon like cold soup, or “Fat Guy Gazpacho.”
  21. Oh, and I always drank skim milk because whole milk was “fattening.”
  22. Several times per week during 7th and 8th grade I would walk across the street to the 7-11 and get a little nibble consisting of a Honey Bun, a big-ass muffin, and a 20 oz. Mountain Dew.
  23. I once ate a 52oz. Porterhouse steak in under an hour. And I spent the first forty-five minutes having sex with the waitress! Okay, seriously, this one was just to see if you’re still paying attention. This hasn’t happened yet.
  24. I once ate five McGriddles in one sitting.
  25. Destroying an entire tube of Pringles was not an unusual occurrence.
  26. An entire tin of brownies? You bet your ass.

Really, this could go on and on the more I sat here and thought about it, but I’m honestly not feeling very good right now. The point is that I fucked up badly and repeatedly for years and years yet still was able to slowly work my way to where I am today. So although many of you who are not so far gone will not be able to relate to this at all, I hope that some of you will see in my list some things that you’ve experienced. Hopefully most of you will read this, compare it to your own history, and realize you’re not so bad off after all.

There is a way to get from wherever you are to wherever you want to be. No matter how badly you have wandered off course, you can always fix it. You’re never too fat, too old, too late, or too fucked up to make things right.