Category Archives: Musings

30 New Clients by January 1st

This is me for the next three weeks.
This is me for the next three weeks.

This is me for the next three weeks.

On my Facebook Page, I regularly post things that have to do not with fat loss or nutrition, but with motivation, goal setting, and achievement. The main ideas revolve around deciding what you want out of life, recognizing that your “limits” are all self-imposed, making great use of your time, and constantly seeking growth and progress.

Well an idea popped into my head the other day, and when ideas come out of nowhere I tend to give them more serious consideration than ideas I’ve thought long and hard about. The ideas that pop into our heads out of the blue are far more trustworthy and reliable because they have not yet been tainted by our biases, expectations, and boundaries. In other words, we can put them into action before we have a chance to think, “That would never work.”

The idea: 30 New Clients by January 1st. Unrealistic? I know! That’s how I know it’s a good goal. I have no idea exactly how to do it, and it’s a little scary.

I’m always talking about going after what you want; now it’s time to show everyone how to do it. Not to show everyone “how to get 30 new clients,” but to be an example of how to decide that you want something and then begin moving in the direction of that thing. The purpose is growth, or “growing into the type of person who has done that.”

So today it is December 13th, 2013. By January 1st, 2014, I will have received payment and begun working with 30 new Personal Consultation clients.

And you are going to help.

Check out that link you just passed for my Personal Consultations page. Think about it. Imagine how your life would transform if you had my personal daily guidance for 90 days. You would know exactly what to eat, exactly when to eat, exactly how to track your progress, and would get instant guidance on how to manipulate those variables based on that progress.

You’d be a different person physically, but what’s more, you’d be a different person emotionally and psychologically, with different habits and attitudes. And that’s how you establish a change that sticks. At the end of 90 days, you won’t be “the same person you are now, only with a better body.” You’ll change into a completely different person and your bodily improvement will be the end result of that personal change.

Check out that Personal Consultations page again. If you really want the changes you say you want, then hire me and prove it.

Some of you will get in touch to arrange a Consultation Period that starts on January 1st. That counts, and you’re helping.

Some of you can think of somebody right now who needs my help. Whether you get them the three-month Consultation as a Christmas gift or guide them towards hiring me on their own, that counts, and you’re helping as well.

The rest of you, just keep this post in the backs of your minds. In the coming weeks, you may hear someone talking about holiday weight gain. You may hear someone expressing confusion at the latest health headlines to hit the newsstands. You may hear someone bemoaning the fact that their New Year’s Resolutions never seem to work out. When you hear the overwhelmed frustration in their voices, think of how I can help.

Many of you will be hearing from me personally. Sorry to bother you.

30 New Clients by January 1st is where I’m headed. And you’re going to help me do it.

The Genetic Royalty

Like this fellow.

I mentioned something in one of my previous posts that evoked a strong response from several readers. So after getting several questions about it, I’d like to expand on it a bit more here.

If you’ve read my posts up until this point, you might assume that I believe everyone is really, really fat. They all have a Carbohydrate Allergy. Everyone has this affliction, it’s a world-wide (emphasis on wide) problem, and it’s an emergency.

Well, the truth is that there is a huge portion of the population, almost half, in fact, to whom this blog will be of no practical use. These people—who number in the hundreds of millions—have never been fat, aren’t currently getting fat, and will very likely remain thin for the rest of their lives. That’s right; even as they eat pasta, bread, sugar, and pretty much anything else that they like, they will maintain their completely normal and acceptable levels of body fat.

I call these people Assholes The Genetic Royalty.

A member of the Genetic Royalty, pictured here in his natural habitat, about to eat a jar of nutella and stare at his abs.

A member of the Genetic Royalty, pictured here in his natural habitat. He’s about to eat a jar of nutella, fill his bathtub with Nilla Wafers, and stare at his abs while he takes his cookie bath and burns calories for fun.

The Genetic Royalty have special privileges. They may eat, with impunity, the types of foods that would aggressively alter the appetite and fat cell regulation of an individual who was allergic to carbohydrate.

There is a vast constellation of hormones and neurotransmitters—”brain messengers”—that regulate all the body’s processes, including fat storage and processing. The starting levels of these hormones at birth and as you grow up are set genetically by your choice of ancestors (choose wisely!). After that, they are altered epigenetically by your environment, including the food you eat, your lifestyle, your behavior, your circadian rhythm, the social interactions you have, your location on the Earth, and even the technology you use, to name a few. Many people have a regulatory process that has broken down. The Genetic Royalty are those in whom the process still works, even in the face of bad choices, because they have not yet managed to fuck up their impeccable selection of ancestors with their current environment. Naturally, these people will attribute their good health, leanness, longevity, and anything else they can think of to their lifestyle choices, many of which are not even under their conscious control.

The Genetic Royalty do not binge. It never crosses their minds to eat when they’re not actually hungry.

If the Genetic Royalty temporarily override their natural inclinations and eat a large amount for fun, say at a wing-eating contest or a Holiday Weekend, they will effortlessly and subconsciously reduce their intake during the following days to compensate. And when you ask them if they’re “making up for” their weekend by purposely “cutting back” the following week, they’ll shake their heads.

“No,” they’ll say, “I just haven’t been that hungry lately.”

What a bunch of Assholes Genetic Royalty!

The Genetic Royalty cannot understand what the big deal is with fat people struggling to become regular-sized people. Truth be told, even though they’re perfectly nice people a small part of them can’t help but think of fat people as second-class citizens, their over-weight being a lifestyle choice that is under complete conscious control.

The vast majority of the Genetic Royalty are part of the calories in/calories out crowd; and really, who can blame them?

If you’ve been thin your whole life, have never had any difficulty controlling hunger, have always been able to stop eating when you approach satiety, and have been repeatedly told that fat people are fat “because they eat too much,” you could come to no other conclusion about your fellow Americans who are—inexplicably—super fat.

Keep in mind that I’m talking about the vast majority of the Genetic Royalty. I know several of them that are fully aware of the actual causes of obesity.

I’m talking about the person who was always in great shape, decided to make a career out of it, got a college degree in kinesiology or physical therapy or athletic training or physiology or something, and now thinks that he knows something about why people get fat.

I’m talking about your well-meaning but misinformed skinny family member telling you that “skipping breakfast isn’t good for you, bro.”

I’m talking about the ripped guy working at GNC who earnestly informs you that you shouldn’t cut out carbs because “they give you quick energy” and “you should eat a balanced diet.”

I’m talking about your friend who gives fat loss advice, unsolicited, on Facebook.

I’m talking about the person who tells you you’re getting “too skinny” when you finally begin to lose your excess fat. No no no no, Fuck YOU.

Unfortunately, it’s only when something no longer works that you begin looking for answers. With enough time and enough of the wrong choices, even members of the Genetic Royalty can begin to get fat. When this happens, they begin to….[drum roll please]….Eat Less and Exercise More!!

Even Optimus Prime thinks you're fucking up.

Even Optimus Prime thinks you’re fucking up.

Not so Royal now, are you? Weird, right? You’re hungry, huh. What’s that? It worked for a couple months but then your sleep started to suck, you got depressed, you had weird binges, and you got plantar fasciitis from all the cardio? I thought all you had to do was Eat Less and Exercise More! Well I’ve got great news—there’s a better way.

This blog—and the Fat Loss Map—is not for those who effortlessly maintain their perfect shape and size. Good for you guys, but you don’t need my help and so I have a different demographic to reach.

If you are fat, you are not part of the Genetic Royalty. You suffer from a Carbohydrate Allergy and should not pay any attention to anything that they have to say about it. Not because they can’t relate, but because they’re fucking clueless. They literally do not know what they’re talking about, yet have the balls to talk to you like they’re experts.

What a bunch of Genetic Royalty Assholes.

There’s a silver lining, though. Since I became regular-sized, I’ve gotten many, many comments from people I’ve just met that imply that I have “lucky genes” or that it “must be nice” to not have to struggle with my weight. This makes me smile, and when I take out my phone and show them what I used to look like, they are often at a loss. “That’s called ‘Cognitive Dissonance,'” I tell them. “Trying to hold two mutually exclusive ideas in your mind at the same time. On one hand, you think I can only be thin like this—and you can only be fat like that—because of genetics or other things that are out of your control. And on the other hand, I’ve just proven to you that it is completely under your control.”

That’s my point: it is completely under your control. Epigenetics (google it) is how your behaviors and thoughts affect your genes, and it is far more powerful than the genetics you were born with. In other words, everyone is given different cards, but not only can you skillfully play the cards you were dealt, you can change them into different cards altogether.

Like this fellow.

Like this fellow.

There is a way to get from wherever you are to wherever you want to be. The only person you should ever compare yourself to is your previous self. As long as you’re doing better than that guy or gal, you’re moving in the right direction. Now get off your ass and go make some meat.

Confessions of a Former Fat Guy

Lookin' good, Slim!

This is ostensibly a blog about nutrition and fat loss.

But when I envisioned the sort of content that this blog would have, I realized that while the information on nutrition and fat loss I would be presenting would be new to many of you, there are far more exhaustive sources of information available online. In fact, whenever possible, I’ve linked to that information in an effort to introduce it to as many people as possible.

Instead of that, I feel like I can be of more service in the area of motivation. Of inspiration. When you have a task in front of you, the knowledge that someone else has done it is a huge confidence builder. There is proof that it’s possible, and you naturally think, if that guy can do it, then so can I.

So, in an effort to relate to those of you who have accumulated an excessive amount of fat tissue, I’d like to make a list of recollections from my time as a fat guy. I experienced all these things yet still managed to make my way to the size that I am today. Some of these were one-time things I did, while others were habitual choices; accounts of sloth, embarrassment, and gluttony that today make me cringe until my face hurts and wonder how my body is still even capable of proper function or how I ever stopped being embarrassed about my body.

Lookin' good, Slim!

Lookin’ good, Slim!

I know what it’s like to look in the mirror and think, “How did I let this happen?” I can relate to those who are happy enough people but just feel like shit all the time.

This list will serve not necessarily as a cautionary tale, but as a message of hope; further evidence that no matter how far off course you think you are, you can always turn your ship right around. Today. With your goal firmly and constantly in mind, day after day after day, you literally cannot fail to eventually arrive at your destination so long as you keep going.

The Confessions!

  1. I had cereal for breakfast most mornings, and after seconds and thirds this accounted for over half the box.
  2. One time I absent-mindedly ate an entire loaf of bread while watching after-school TV.
  3. I used to sit in front of the kitchen TV with a jar of peanut butter and a loaf of bread and go to town.
  4. I once ate three Lumberjack Slams from Denny’s in a single 24-hour period. This is true.
  5. I once ate 54 chicken wings in a wing-eating contest and still had dinner later that day.
  6. When my high school brass quintet performed for the grand opening of a Krispy Kreme Donut shop, they paid each of us with a booklet of 20 coupons, each redeemable for a free dozen Krispy Kreme Donuts. That’s 240 donuts; mine were gone in two months, and on several occasions were consumed a dozen at a time.

    I was in it to win it, clearly.

    I was in it to win it, clearly.

  7. I was so lethargic after school that most days I would lay down from 3:30pm until dinner time, sometimes watching TV, other times just napping.
  8. No Bullshit: I once wore sweatpants every day for an entire semester of high school. I think it was during Sophomore year. Now that I think about it, this one is less “Confession” and more “Bragging.”
  9. I regularly had the experience of eating a large meal and then being hungry almost immediately afterwards. By this I mean that I was physically full, stuffed, and bloated-feeling, but would be hunting and pecking around the fridge for something more to eat. Didn’t make sense, but it was a recurring phenomenon for years. Even after Thanksgiving dinner.
  10. The first time I tried to lose weight on purpose was when I was 12 years old. The plan was to have a Slim Fast for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Again, I was fucking twelve.
  11. For a period of several months some time during grade school, I would ride a bike with some friends to a local hotdog shop, get two cheese dogs and a 32-oz. root beer, and ride home. This was in addition to lunch and dinner. You know, like a light snack.
  12. In college, I would often conclude a night of heavy drinking with a 16″ diameter cheese bread (exactly what it sounds like) dipped in ranch at 2 or 3am.
  13. During one winter break, I had a large Sweet Cookies & Cream milkshake from Ben & Jerry’s every day for a week.
  14. One summer during my childhood I took part in a weekday summer camp. Each morning before the activities started, they would have a table set up selling candy and chips. Every day I was there that summer, I started my day with a huge Rice Krispies Treat and a large bag of Skittles. This is more sugar than I currently eat in one week, and I did it five days per week for an entire summer.
  15. During Spring Break of my Junior year of high school, I ate at Denny’s six out of the seven days.
  16. Every time I would go over to a particular friend’s house after school I would eat about ten Oreos and a couple cans of Hawaiian Punch. Pretty sure his mom was pissed I kept eating all their snack food (you know who you are; if you’re reading this, sorry I ate all your shit, dude.).
  17. Good sweet holy shit, I’m getting fatter just making this list.
  18. I once ate an entire package of American Cheese Slices, Homer-Simpson-Style.
  19. Getting changed for gym class? Fuck off.
  20. I used to eat a pint of the grocery store’s spinach dip with a spoon like cold soup, or “Fat Guy Gazpacho.”
  21. Oh, and I always drank skim milk because whole milk was “fattening.”
  22. Several times per week during 7th and 8th grade I would walk across the street to the 7-11 and get a little nibble consisting of a Honey Bun, a big-ass muffin, and a 20 oz. Mountain Dew.
  23. I once ate a 52oz. Porterhouse steak in under an hour. And I spent the first forty-five minutes having sex with the waitress! Okay, seriously, this one was just to see if you’re still paying attention. This hasn’t happened yet.
  24. I once ate five McGriddles in one sitting.
  25. Destroying an entire tube of Pringles was not an unusual occurrence.
  26. An entire tin of brownies? You bet your ass.

Really, this could go on and on the more I sat here and thought about it, but I’m honestly not feeling very good right now. The point is that I fucked up badly and repeatedly for years and years yet still was able to slowly work my way to where I am today. So although many of you who are not so far gone will not be able to relate to this at all, I hope that some of you will see in my list some things that you’ve experienced. Hopefully most of you will read this, compare it to your own history, and realize you’re not so bad off after all.

There is a way to get from wherever you are to wherever you want to be. No matter how badly you have wandered off course, you can always fix it. You’re never too fat, too old, too late, or too fucked up to make things right.

How To Get Taller

Because it's funny to me, that's why.

Imagine clicking on this link, being directed to this page, and actually being given advice for becoming taller. Sounds absurd, right?

But wait! It turns out that the advice is legit because the person giving the advice is this guy on the right:

"Seriously, give me back my fucking beans."

“Seriously, give me back my fucking beans.”

There. You feel better now, right? You’ll dutifully go about all of the various activities that you now know—based on his advice—are required in order to become taller.

What’s wrong with the above scenario? Consider this quote from Arthur Jones:

“The fact that somebody else can produce a certain degree of results does not mean that you can do the same…and it does not mean that the method used to produce those results was the best method, or even a good method.”

If you see two guys who got from Rhode Island to Colorado, and you want to go from Rhode Island to Colorado, you’ll do exactly what they did, right? After all, their way was 100% effective because they got there. And you’ll listen to every piece of advice they have to offer about the journey.

"I expected the Rocky Mountains to be a little rockier than this." "I was thinking the same thing. That John Denver's full of shit."

“I expected the Rocky Mountains to be a little rockier than this.” “I was thinking the same thing. That John Denver’s full of shit.”

But, as stated above, the fact that they made it from Rhode Island to Colorado does not necessarily mean that the method used was the best method, or even a good method. Maybe they took a horse and buggy, maybe it took them six months, and maybe they almost starved to death during the journey. I’ve got a better way. Here are some car keys and a map. You’re welcome. Turns out that the “successful” travelers weren’t actually a success after all, even though they got to where they were going.

In other words, the fact that the guy in the first picture is super tall does not necessarily mean that he knows what made him tall, and does not necessarily mean that he can be effective in helping other people get tall as well. Maybe he’s an endocrinologist, maybe he’s a researcher, maybe he actually does know all about why he’s so tall—but the fact that he’s tall, all by itself, does not necessarily mean that he knows how he got that way.

Now, with this bit of background out of the way, let me tell you about an experience I had recently that highlights an equally absurd mistake that millions of people make every day.

I have worked on theatre tours since 2008. On each of these tours, there is a group of dancers, and for the most part they are all part of what can be called the Genetic Royalty. In fact, the audition process ensures that this is the case. They’re attractive, symmetrical, have good skin, have great bone structure, and so forth. Those who are not Genetic Royalty do not even get into the singing/dancing/acting thing in the first place, because from a young age they are not encouraged like their Royal counterparts (kind of like how short people aren’t strongly encouraged to get into professional basketball). Then, out of the members of the Genetic Royalty that do enter the field, those that have worked the hardest and developed themselves the best get selected to be part of a show. It is the combination of lucky genes and incredibly hard work that succeeds; both are necessary, but neither is sufficient by itself. It is these people with whom I have worked for the past five years.

What inspired me to write this post was a conversation I had with a female colleague about one of the female dancers who was a mutual friend of ours (not any of the dancers on my current tour—settle down, girls). This colleague was telling me about some nutrition and fitness advice that she had gotten from our dancer friend. Among these gems were:

  • Be sure to eat a good breakfast to kick-start your metabolism for the day.
  • Instead of three squares, eat five or six small meals throughout the day to keep your metabolism “revved-up.”
  • Switch up your exercise routine every month or so to keep your body guessing and give it something new to adapt to.
  • Tennis, frisbee, parking far away from doors, and taking the stairs instead of the elevator are all great forms of exercise. It’s better than nothing, you know?!
  • The girl can’t get pregnant if she’s on top.

Okay, that last one I just made up, but it’s no less reasonable than the others. Before I go on with my story, realize that each piece of advice is bullshit. False. Not the way it is. Sometimes this is just fine, like when someone is wrong but is still helping. Like, maybe some of the details are wrong, but overall they’re still doing a good thing and benefitting people. However, in this case, the advice is not helping.

It turns out that neither breakfast nor frequent feedings are necessary or beneficial, “muscle confusion” is not a real thing, and something is not always better than nothing when it comes to exercise.

So there I was, listening to all this “advice” that my colleague had been given from our well-meaning yet misinformed friend. In retrospect, I really should have said, “Everything she told you is bullshit.” But apparently I forgot to bring my ball bag with me that day, so instead I said something like, “Actually, that’s what a lot of people used to think, but the latest stuff that’s coming out is pointing to the fact that some of that isn’t quite 100% true.”

Her response? “I don’t know. She’s ripped, though.”

To which I replied:

"It's a damn good thing you're cute."

“It’s a damn good thing you’re cute.”

The fact that somebody is in great shape does not mean that they know how to get you into great shape. The fact that someone is tall does not mean that they know how to make you tall. There are bald barbers who can give you a great cut, skinny chefs who can make a delicious meal, and fat guys who coach Olympic athletes. Pat Riley can’t dunk and Tom Coughlin couldn’t tackle a warm cup of piss, but you’d be a fool to ignore their advice on basketball or football.

The point here is to think for yourself. Accepting a piece of advice as true and reasonable based solely on its source is not only wrong, but worse yet: it doesn’t even make any sense. It’s Non-Sense. And it’s lazy. It’s saying, “I’m going to assume that you know what you’re talking about so that I don’t have to do any work thinking about this. That’s right; I’m going to let you do my thinking for me, and just because you have abs.”

On the Home Page of this website, there is a before/after picture of me. The truth is, 95% of what I now know about how to turn fat people into regular-sized people is stuff that the guy on the left knew also. Which is obvious, because if I didn’t know it, how would I have known what to do? You can’t start applying things you don’t know. To be clear: the advice I would have given ninety pounds ago is not different in any major way from the advice that’s in the Fat Loss Map, which has been working like a goddamn magic charm.

"Let me show you how to get thin!"

“Let me show you how to get thin!”

But because I know about this cognitive blind spot that we all have, I had to become the guy on the right before anyone would take me seriously. Am I better able to help people become regular-sized now than I would have been three or four years ago? Maybe, maybe not. My point is that you would not be able to determine that based solely on my before/after picture.

The most muscular guy in your gym probably doesn’t know shit about lifting weights. For whatever reason—genetics and Epi-genetics play a large role in this—he’s a mesomorph, has long muscle bellies, a large proportion of fast-twitch muscle fibers, poor neuromuscular efficiency (requiring more muscle mass for the same force output), a favorable fat cell distribution, ideal shoulder-width/pelvis-width ratio, and on and on and on and on and on. Because of all these factors, and thousands that we don’t know about yet, when he first stepped into a weight room and began his first routine—which may or may not have been a good one—he packed on muscle quickly and easily. Naturally, he attributed 100% of his success to his routine and his “hard work” in the gym, even though almost any routine would have given him similar results. So when you go up to him and say, “Hey, you look fantastic, how can I be like you?” he’s not going to point out his advantages and suggest a wiser selection of ancestors. He’s not going to tell you he woke up on third and thought he hit a Triple. Instead, he’s going to give you a bunch of bullshit advice that’s not going to work. And you’ll believe every word of it, because fuck, just look at this guy! But these are not the things he did to become ripped and huge.

They are the things he did while becoming ripped and huge. Maybe they helped, maybe they didn’t; but it is a mistake to assume they did just because he thinks they did.

You are making the same mistake as asking the guy at the beginning of this post how to get tall. The things he did while becoming tall are not necessarily the things that he did to become tall. Did he have to eat a lot? Sure. But eating a lot won’t make you taller. He also wore a bigger pair of shoes every several months, but buying a bigger pair of shoes won’t make you taller. Get it?

My colleague believed every bit of advice from our dancer friend. Relieved of the responsibility of thinking for herself, she could comfortably adjust her own “knowledge” to accommodate this new “information.” This is how bullshit spreads.

Stop believing everything you’re told from someone who is where you’d like to be. Think. Really think. There’s no harder work in the world, but it’s worth it.

Because it's funny to me, that's why.

Because it’s funny to me, that’s why.

 

 

“People of Size” is Horseshit.

Call him what you want; ManBearPig must be stopped.

Just heard fat people referred to as “People of Size.”

My first thought: “What the fuck?”

My second thought: I see what you did here. “Fat People” sounds, at first blush, a little bit offensive. Fat people have been stigmatized in the past several decades to the point where the term “fat” doesn’t just mean that a person has accumulated an excessive amount of adipose tissue. To the ignorant, it can connote laziness, gluttony, irresponsibility, and a whole laundry list of moral and social defects that are, of course, meant to be roundly condemned and frowned upon. Quite in fact, I have had more than a few people express to me their discomfort about this website’s tag line: “I turn fat people into regular-sized people.”

Here's a screen shot of me telling you that you're kind of fat.

Here’s a screen shot of me telling you that you’re kind of fat.

Luckily, what those people think of this website’s tag line is none of my business, and so the line stays like it is: direct, honest, and simple. If you are fat (which, if you’ll remember, means only that you’ve accumulated an excessive amount of adipose tissue) I can make you regular-sized. Direct, honest, and simple.

Not only is it wrong to call fat people “People of Size,” but worse yet, it doesn’t even make any sense. It’s Non-Sense. Anyone who has any mass at all is a “person of size.” Every human is also a person of height, a person of color, a person of carbon, and whole list of things that do not even begin to usefully describe the person about whom you’re talking.

Call him what you want; ManBearPig must be stopped.

Call him what you want; ManBearPig must be stopped.

So in an honest, well-meaning-yet-misguided attempt to de-stigmatize the people referred to as “fat,” you’ve stigmatized them even more by drawing even more attention to their condition. Yes, you’re being sensitive and appropriate; no, you’re not helping anyone. Yes, you’re sparing people’s feelings; no, you’re not helping anyone. Yes, you’re being correct; no you’re not helping.

Yet the term “fat” is avoided because, as I mentioned before, it carries many negative connotations.

Here’s the problem: If you don’t know where you are, you will have a hard time getting to where you’re going. Nobody would use a euphemism for a physical location and expect good results. If I’m at 1604 E University street in Bloomington, IN (shout-out to the college house!), I know exactly where I am, and that’s a literal, direct, honest assessment of my current location. From this starting point, I can easily use a map to get where I want to go.

Better stock up; those amateurs don't sell on Sundays.

Better stock up; those amateurs don’t sell on Sundays.

But imagine if I referred to my location using euphemisms. If I’m “Bloomington-centered” or “A member of the Indiana region,” I have no clue exactly where I am, no way to get on the right roads, will drive around in circles for a while, and will very quickly decide to just stay where I am and try to perform mental gymnastics to feel good about it, mumbling something about how Big Red Liquors was “probably closed anyway.”

If you’re “broke,” well, okay, that’s not so bad. That’s not really something you are, that’s a circumstance, and circumstances can readily be altered and improved. You begin to correctly imagine that this is temporary and make a plan to get out of debt or increase your income. If you’re “disadvantaged” or “poor,” that’s something that you are, regardless of circumstances. Something you are is not readily changed; you identify with it, you lose your motivation, and you feel sorry for yourself. You begin to wrongly imagine that this is permanent while insisting that others not call attention to your condition.

If you’re “a heavy drinker,” well, okay, that’s not so bad. That’s not really something you are, that’s a circumstance, and circumstances can readily be altered and improved. You begin to correctly imagine that this is temporary and make a plan to take a break from drinking, or at least stop drinking before noon. If you’re “an alcoholic” or “a bum,” that’s something that you are, regardless of circumstances. Something you are is not readily changed; you identify with it, you lose your motivation, and you feel sorry for yourself. You begin to wrongly imagine that this is permanent while insisting that others not call attention to your condition.

If you’re “fat,” well, okay, that’s not so bad. That’s not really something you are, that’s a circumstance, and circumstances can readily be altered and improved. You begin to correctly imagine that this is temporary and make a plan to get “not-fat;” to become “regular-sized.” If you’re “Husky,” “Big-Boned,” or “A Person of Size,” that’s something that you are, regardless of circumstances. Something you are is not readily changed; you identify with it, you lose your motivation, and you feel sorry for yourself. You begin to wrongly imagine that this is permanent while insisting that others not call attention to your condition.

And even if you’re a heavy drinker who’s fat and broke, that’s way better than being a Disadvantaged Alcoholic of Size:

 

"I'm the Devil!"

“I’m the Devil!”

Honesty is important—not just in theory, but also in practice. We must always call things by their names, even when it’s socially uncomfortable. We must tell the truth. We must not become so concerned about people’s precious feelings that we allow ourselves to be dishonest and misleading.

Not only is it wrong, but worse yet: it doesn’t even make any sense.

Plenty of Room at the Top

And it's going to be hard to run with all that shit in your pants.

I’m in the business of turning fat people into regular-sized people because it brings me satisfaction and because it is a very useful service that people will happily, eagerly pay for. Even with the demand as high as it is, I am easily able to provide more in Use Value to my clients than I take from them in Cash Value.

This started as a hobby for me because I have a perpetual enthusiasm for the information and its application. Now it’s even better: a hobby that has become a business—one for which I am perfectly suited, I think. So far so good.

Just the other day, though, I had a remarkable revelation. Something that shined a bright, charmed light on my future prospects for this sort of work:

I have no competitors.

Imagine. A business without competition. That’s something I can get behind! I’m not saying I have a monopoly—that I’m “the only game in town.” A ten-second internet search will reveal quite the opposite, in fact. Everyone and their mothers are trying to help people “lose weight.”

No, what I’m talking about refers to one or more businesses competing for the same client. A competitor is someone with whom you compete for the same scarce resource; a rival. Like two employees competing for a promotion (the “resource”) or two men competing for a woman (the “resource”) or two skeletons, both having ordered beers, fighting over who gets the bar’s only mop.

Think about it.

Think about it.

But the “resource” here is clients.

And our clients are fat people.

And we live in America.

It’ll be many years and many more thousands of entries into the field before I have to compete with someone because there just aren’t enough fat people to go around. More than half of all Americans—that’s several dozens of millions—are overweight, and a good proportion of those are Obese.

What About You?

Now put on your Thinking Cap™ for a moment and consider this: in any economy, there is far more competition for the low-level and mid-level jobs than there is for the top-level jobs. Dozens and dozens of people are angling for positions like Assistant Director of Regional Sales, while only a select handful are even considering the position of Vice President or Chairman or Chief Executive Officer. There’s plenty of room at the top.

Of the people working at a restaurant, there are always far more applicants for a server position than for a manager position.

Out of all the aspiring baseball players, there are always far more guys competing for a spot on a AAA team than there are competing for a spot on a Big-League squad.

I know dozens of up-and-coming young musicians who are diligently auditioning for small, regional orchestras and do not even apply for the big, prestigious orchestra positions that open up.

I could type examples of this for the next five hours, but you get the point.

And the funny part is that the competition for these middling spots is grueling. People are grinding so hard and working so diligently for table scraps that they don’t even want to imagine how hard it would be to compete for those positions up there! But these people are making a very natural yet very costly mistake. The truth is that there is very little competition for those top spots. Certainly less competition than for the middle spots.

The fact that there are fewer people vying for those top spots is only part of the reason that there isn’t a lot of competition. Here’s the real reason: most people just don’t have the goods. They’re not skilled enough. They haven’t put in the work; they haven’t paid the price. They’re not where they are because that’s where they want to be; they’re where they are because they haven’t developed themselves into the person who’s up there. Once they do, they will be up there, skipping all the intermediate “steps” that many people feel are “required.”

Want to be in the Big Leagues? Get really damn good. World-class, even. It won’t matter if you’re bagging groceries, unemployed, currently playing for a AAA team, or whatever. If you’ve got the goods, people will find out about it and there’s a team that’s got a spot for you.

Want to play in the New York Philharmonic or the Chicago Symphony? Get really damn good. World-class, even. It won’t matter if you’re currently playing wedding gigs in Wichita or sitting 2nd-chair in the Billings, Montana Radio Orchestra. If you’ve got the goods, people will find out about it and there’s an orchestra that’s got a spot for you.

You will always find yourself in a job or circumstance that fits your current level of ability and aptitude.

I can hear you thinking right now. I can actually hear the sad, automatic, pathetic refrain droning on from some of you:

Well, it’s not like that.

I’m not good enough for those spots yet.

You have to go in order, you have to wait your turn.

I’m just paying my dues.

Some day I’ll be ready for those positions.

You have to walk before you can run.

I’m not ready for that yet.

Someday.

I’m in line.

Fuck the line.

Who taught you to think like that? Probably someone ahead of you in “line.”

Here’s How This Works

Eventually, you get what it is you’re after. If you focus on something fiercely enough, long enough, and persistently enough, you will achieve the goal for which you are working. When that happens, are you going to be in a good spot? Do not mistakenly work towards an unsatisfactory position. You can do, be, or have anything that you’d like. Stop fucking around with anything you would not like, but that you feel is somehow unavoidable or a necessary evil. I’ll share again the poem that I included in this article—it applies here as well.

“I bargained with Life for a penny,

And Life would pay no more,

However I begged at evening

When I counted my scanty store.

For Life is a just employer;

He gives you what you ask.

But once you have set the wages,

Why, you must bear the task.

I worked for a menial’s hire,

Only to learn, dismayed,

That any wage I had asked of Life,

Life would have willingly paid.”

—Jessie B. Rittenhouse

There’s plenty of room at the top. And the best spots are reserved not for those who have put in the prerequisite amount of time or who have paid their dues, but for those who have the goods. Period.

Many of you reading this right now have some weight to lose. But really, losing the weight is only a means to get to your real goal, which is to look better than other people by comparison and reap the benefits thereof. For example, if everyone around you is 400 pounds, and you’re 230, all the sudden you’re the Belle of the Gaht Damn Ball, aren’t you? Much like surviving an attack from Bear Cavalry, you don’t need to be the fastest one in the group. You merely need to be faster than most of your peers.

And it's going to be hard to run with all that shit in your pants.

And it’s going to be hard to run with all that shit in your pants.

Even though we see ripped abs and shredded muscles on magazine covers every day, the truth is that the vast majority of people are out of shape. A fit, sexy person is an extreme rarity. We think that we’re in “competition” with those figure models; we think that they are the standard by which we’re judged when we hit the beach.

However, the truth about physical fitness and a good-looking body is far different: there’s plenty of room at the top. Don’t think that you can’t be one of “those people” that just “has it.” Very few genetic predispositions are truly so shitty that you cannot develop a good-looking body. I’m talking born-without-limbs genetics or maybe blindness or something. Nothing looks good to those people. And don’t worry, I haven’t offended anyone, they’re not reading this.

You can get to the top. It’s for sure. You can get from wherever you are to wherever you want to be. If you will but keep going it’s a literal certainty that you will get there. Don’t get “a little better.” When you have your eyes on the top, and begin to work toward it, you’ll move into and through any intermediate steps that are necessary; best not to worry about them.

And, again: there’s plenty of room at the top.

As for me, so long as Americans have the internet and the desire to become regular-sized people, I’ll be doing good business. And, as it is with all businesses who provide more in Use Value than they take in Cash Value, business will be booming for some time.

After all, how can you fail without any competitors?!

“Girls, Girls! Stop it. You’re BOTH Pretty!”

Now Kith

“Weight Loss Success: Natt Smith Became A Vegan And Lost More Than 75 Pounds.”

–headline from the Huffington Post, 4/27/12.

“All of my health issues are gone! I feel like I have a new lease on life. I look forward to every morning and cherish every day. Because honestly, when I was at my worst I didn’t know how many days I had left. We now have a second child, and I am able to play with them as much as I want, roll on the floor with them, and just be there for them. I truly have a life I never thought possible. I went from feeling like I was dying every minute of every day, to living the life I have always dreamed! It is truly a gift that I cherish every day.”

–excerpt from the testimonial written by “Brent” on marksdailyapple.com. Brent went from 291 pounds down to 180 and corrected his elevated blood lipids, sleep apnea, high blood pressure, and panic attacks by eating a Paleo diet consisting of meat, fish, fowl, eggs, and vegetables.

“It’s because vegan diets—especially raw vegan diets—are so short on calories and basic nutritional needs, that during those early stages, the new vegan’s body is eating itself! It’s a metabolically delicious meal of fatty human meat, high in saturated fat and complete protein—and it’s the most nutritious meal you can eat. Of course it’s what your body needs: it is your body! The more restrictive your vegan diet, the more delicious, fatty MEAT you are eating…your own. That’s the reason you had so much energy when you first started your vegan diet. What you were really eating was a paleo diet of your own flesh.”

–J. Stanton at gnolls.org providing a technically-accurate, if grisly, explanation for the “high” that is experienced during the initial stages of going vegan.

“Ever since I adopted a nutrient-dense, plant-based eating style I am a changed woman. I have accomplished so much, have so much more energy, and a whole new outlook on life. I’ve lost 72 lbs so far, too!”

–Isabel P, Ontario, Canada, extolling the virtues of vegetarianism.

"Yeah, it's me again. That stain remover didn't work for shit."

“Yeah, it’s me again. That stain remover didn’t work for shit.”

What the fuck is going on here?

Only in the areas of religion and politics are more automatic, visceral reactions elicited in response to an opposing viewpoint than in the area of nutrition. Everyone’s a dietician and everyone knows, for sure, how they should eat. And just like politics and religion, there is an extremely prevalent attitude on all sides of, “Don’t confuse me with the facts; this is what I believe!” I am not exempt from this, and neither are you. We claim to be rational, logical, and level-headed, but we will dig our heels in when our viewpoints are challenged.

In this area, you cannot easily convince someone. They do not respond to logic. An error will always be found. Your “facts,” correct or otherwise, will somehow be found wanting.

And it’s not just Plant Eaters and Animal Eaters. Within the Plant Eaters there are vegans, vegetarians, raw vegans, pescatarians, and just people who merely abstain from red meat. Within the Animal Eaters you’ve got the Atkins folks, Paleo, Primal, and myriad variations thereof. And they all disagree with each other on various things, concluding that the “other guys” are somehow base, immoral, or irredeemably ignorant of simple, basic facts (you idiots).

The million-dollar question: given that each one of the above dietary permutations has to its credit thousands (if not millions) of positive, life-changing, health-enhancing testimonials and case studies, and given that they are so apparently different, how can they all be “right?”

“I’m prettier than you!”

“No you’re not! I’ve got better bangs!”

“I’ve got cute dimples!”

“I’m blonde, and blonde is prettier!”

“I’m taller!”

“GIRLS!” the Dad will say at this point. “Stop it. You’re BOTH pretty!”

"And THAT'S why Daddy drinks!"

“And THAT’S why Daddy drinks!”

The Floating Cork Analogy

Imagine a wine cork floating in the ocean. Left on its own, it will float; it will bob on the surface of the water effortlessly and naturally. This is the cork’s nature. Cork floats in water. It does not have to do anything special to float. It does not require a plan, a scheme, or a special recipe. The cork cannot get higher than the surface of the water, nor does it need or “want” to.

Human health is like this. Left to our own devices, in our natural habitat, we humans are healthy. We “float to the surface,” if you will, and this “floating” is natural and requires no particular intervention or special plan. We feel fine, there is nothing wrong, and all is well. There is no “Super Health,” nothing we can do to become “very” healthy or “extra” healthy, in the same way that the cork cannot maintain a position above the surface of the water. We cannot maintain a condition above “healthy,” nor do we need to.

Aboriginal tribes and ancestral populations, not yet exposed to modern lifestyles, have been observed to thrive perfectly wherever and whenever they have been studied. Some eat mostly tubers, roots, foraged seeds, and seasonal fruit. Some eat only goat meat and milk. Others eat mostly whale and seal blubber. Some live in cold climates, some hot, some dry, some wet, yet they all thrive; they all “float to the surface” quite effortlessly.

The reason they are all floating is that they do not have anything holding them down.

The only way the wine cork can become submerged is if it’s forced down somehow. And when that restriction is released, it once again returns, quite effortlessly, to the surface. If you hold the cork under the water and release it, what happens? If a boat forces the cork down momentarily, what happens once the boat passes? The important point is that when the thing that was holding the cork under the water is removed, whatever it was, the cork regains its natural balance.

You can't imagine how proud I am of myself for not writing anything about soaking corks, cork soaking, cork soakers, or soaked corks. Or blowjobs.

You can’t imagine how proud I am of myself for not writing anything about soaking corks, cork soaking, cork soakers, or soaked corks. Or blowjobs.

Here’s Why All Those Diets Work

Many of you, even after reading this, will be tempted at this point to say that all these diets work because they all, some way or another, cause a person to “eat less” or “consume fewer calories than they expend.” Which is like saying that someone got rich because they earned more money than they spent. Well, both of these ideas are technically true, yet demonstrably use-less. Why use-less? Because advising someone to “eat less” or “consume fewer calories” has never, doesn’t, and will never result in sustained, long-term fat loss. Doctors have been telling people seeking fat loss to “eat less” since the 50’s—before that they were told to limit carbohydrates—and not only have we not ceased to become fatter, which would mean there is no benefit to that advice, but we are now fatter than ever, which reveals that advice to be an emphatic failure.

Oh, and Calories-In-vs.-Calories-Out folks, be sure to tell the next bum you meet: “You’re broke because you’re spending more than you’re earning. Now get out of my way, Raggy.” That’s a good way to get mugged for sweatpants money.

"You really shouldn't talk to the Devil like that! rrrRRRAAAAHAHAHHHHH!!! NOT SO TOUGH TONIGHT, ARE YOU, BATMAN?!"

“You really shouldn’t talk to the Devil like that! rrrRRRAAAAHAHAHHHHH!!! NOT SO TOUGH TONIGHT, ARE YOU, BATMAN?!”

HAHA, um, Onward!

People find success with Plant and Animal diets because there was something they were eating previously that was “holding them under the water.” The new way of eating wasn’t “magic” or “super-healthy,” it’s just that they stopped eating the things that were keeping them down.

In other words, the health benefit derived from any way of eating is due mainly to what you are no longer eating.

It’s not that plants are “healthy,” it’s that you’re no longer eating industrially-processed bullshit.

It’s not that meat is “good for you,” it’s that you’re no longer eating chips and Oreos.

It’s not that your diet now is “anti-acidic” or “cleansing” or has a lot of “anti-oxidants,” it’s that you’re no longer drinking pop and eating cheesecakes.

It’s what you’re no longer eating that is the “active ingredient” here; it’s the exclusion of certain elements that is what’s good about your new way of eating. Not the things that you have begun to eat.

Are plants good for you? What about meat? Fish? Eggs? Potatoes? Wrong question; animals and plants will always be just fine for human animals.

What any dietary plan should identify is: what are the foods that keep me from “floating to the surface?”

For some it’s sugar, flour, or wheat. Some can handle those things just fine, but they’re lactose intolerant and milk is what’s causing them trouble. Some have a Carbohydrate Allergy but can handle dairy just fine.

Whatever your particular situation, any health benefit derived from your new diet will be in direct proportion to the success with which you can eliminate the elements of your current diet that are preventing you from “floating” up and regaining the effortless, natural health that is your birthright.

The best plan is somewhere in the middle: Eat Animals and Plants. Stop eating modern things that are neither plants nor animals.

More Similarities Than Differences

Strange as it seems at first, Plant Eaters and Meat Eaters are actually on the same side here. Both stress the importance of natural foods as close to their natural states as possible. Both attempt to avoid the processed bullshit foods that have become staples of the Western Diet. In their own ways, both seek to remove those modern lifestyle factors that can degrade human health.

So vegetarians, carnivores: Stop it. You’re BOTH pretty!

Now Kith

 

Except for you vegans; you’re being ridiculous and you need to get your lives together. Countless thousands of generations of our ancestors didn’t claw their way to the top of the food chain so you could order a goddamn salad with bird seed on it and then fart uncontrollably for the next six hours.

 

 

 

If You Ran A Zoo

"Kinda hot in these rhinos."

Congratulations!! The person in charge of the local Zoo has suffered a tragic accident. Something to do with Bald-Eagle-Neutering or Hippo Insemination or something; my point here is that he has insisted, in his will, that you be placed in charge of the entire facility.

"Kinda hot in these rhinos."

“Kinda hot in these rhinos.”

You get to decide all sorts of shit, but among the things you get to decide is what each group of animals will eat.

How are you going to decide which animals get to eat what?

Well, let’s see. It seems reasonable that you would try to figure out what these animals’ ancestral diets were and then try to duplicate those diets as closely as possible.

So you feed the tigers raw antelope and zebra meat, you feed the giraffes a bunch of leaves, you feed the polar bears fish, you feed the snakes rats, and you feed the monkeys bananas. Pretty easy, right?

You don’t feed bird seed to the tigers, you don’t feed shrimp to the buffalo, and—wait, this reminds me of a joke:

A train carrying a touring circus company has a horrific crash. Train comes off the rails, the whole thing. The cars bust open one by one and hundreds of animals and circus employees are thrown from the crash, slowly regaining consciousness and collecting themselves. Two of the clowns are still dressed from the show, and decide that they should run away, this not being the safest place.

Unfortunately, their clown suits are not the best camouflage, and they are soon spotted by two hungry lions. And even worse, as they begin frantically running away from the lions—flopflopflopflopflop—they realize that they wore the wrong shoes that day.

The lions pounce on the clowns and quickly sink their teeth in for the killing bite. They decide they can stop for a quick snack of clown meat.

Looking over the aftermath of the wreck and munching on the clowns, one lion turns to the other lion.

“Does this taste funny to you?”

Onward

Okay, so you don’t feed bird seed to the tigers, you don’t feed shrimp to the buffalo, and you don’t feed clown meat to the lions. It’s not that these animals will keel over if they eat these things, like it’s poison. It’s not like these foods are bad for them. You’re missing the point if you’re thinking this way. Here’s a quick back-and-forth from J. Stanton over at gnolls.org and one of the commenters on his site:

A commenter called “kaa” writes:

What I AM saying is that there’s very little dietary advice that is guaranteed to benefit 100% of the human population. Humans are *different*…

…to which J. Stanton replies:

Yes, there is, and no, we’re not.

We’re not different enough for the optimal diet to have changed.  Certain groups differ in their tolerance for suboptimal diets — but I’m not interested in what we can tolerate, I’m interested in what’s best.

Important: “Certain groups differ in their tolerance for suboptimal diets—but I’m not interested in what we can tolerate, I’m interested in what’s best.”

Right on. So we’ve got this zoo, and we’re not interested in whether or not different animals can handle suboptimal diets; we’re interested in what’s best. And it’s surprisingly easy.

The reason it’s so easy is because an animal will thrive to the extent that its environment and diet duplicate that of its ancestral home—the specific environment for which it has evolved over countless thousands of generations. The further you remove it from this ancestral environment, the more damage you do to the animal. So you can tell very easily whether or not the diet is appropriate: is this animal thriving?

But wait! Right at the last minute, you receive a special delivery. It’s a very large crate, Jurassic-Park-Style, and when you open it you are shocked to discover….a group of Human Animals!

"All right. Who brought the orange slices for halftime?"

“All right. Who brought the orange slices for halftime?”

Well gaht damn! Human Animals. Homo Sapiens. The very same species of which we are all a part. What should you do with them? What should the temperature of their enclosure be? What kind of accommodations should you provide? And, most important, what kind of diet will they thrive on?

Because you’re not an idiot, you will perform the same calculations for the Human Animals as you did for all the other animals. You will try to duplicate, as closely as possible, the environment of their ancestral home—the specific environment for which they have evolved over countless thousands of generations.

Bipedal humans appeared no later than 2.6 million years ago (possibly earlier, but no later). So our ancestors were evolving for at least that long. 200,000 years ago, our species, Homo Sapiens, was up and running (literally). It was only 60,000 years ago or fewer that we left the Savannah in the center of Africa.

So the Human Animal was shaped, to the largest extent, by its time spent evolving and adapting to life on the African Savannah. And if you want these Human Animals you’ve acquired to thrive, you bet your sweet ass and half a titty that you should feed them foods in line with this heritage. This is the only way to be sure that they’ll thrive.

And what did Human Animals eat on the Savannah?

Bacon from the Island of Dr. Moreau.

Bacon from the Island of Dr. Moreau.

MEAT. Meat, and the fattier the better. The Human Animal evolved into the most effective predator on the planet. Do you have any idea how much time would have to be spent eating and chewing all the plants necessary to fulfill the energy requirements of the most effective predator on the planet, a constantly-active, fully-functioning Human Animal?? Try eating 4,000 calories-worth (or more) of plants (no nuts, oils, sauces, or any of that shit) every day for years in the middle of Africa. Then look up “fulfill” and “energy requirements” and kiss my ass. The only reason vegetarians—who are generally nice people—even have the option of only eating plants is because their distant ancestors had the common fucking sense to eat the only food that could sustain them: Animals.

While we are omnivorous and plants were certainly eaten when we came across them (think condiments or garnish today), the vast majority of a Human Animal’s energy intake must have been from, literally could not have been from anything other than, fatty meat obtained from the predation of the animals in the area of the hunting party.

If you switch the lions’ food with that of the giraffes, both will become sick and neither will thrive. When you feed bananas to the polar bears and fish to the monkeys, both will become sick and neither will thrive.

Yes, you can feed a Human Animal plants and animals, but when you feed a Human Animal nothing but plants and bird seed, soybeans and rabbit food, that Human will not thrive.

And many Human Animals have a Carbohydrate Allergy, so when you feed a Human Animal a bunch of modern foods like wheat, flour, sugar, industrially-produced food-like things, corn, and grains, the Human will not thrive.

Feeding that sort of shit to a Wild Human Animal would get your ass fired from your zoo job in a hurry; but when millions of people do it and call it a “balanced diet” and part of “the food pyramid,” it’s inexplicably endorsed and encouraged.

When setting your health or fat-loss goals, consider that you are a Human Animal. Just like any other animal, you will thrive best eating the ancient foods to which your species spent thousands and thousands of years adapting and evolving.