Category Archives: Just Some Jokes

Just Some Joke #3

"Alcohol is the Devil. Woo-HOO!! I'm partying with the Devil!"
"Alcohol is the Devil. Woo-HOO!! I'm partying with the Devil!"

“Alcohol is the Devil. Woo-HOO!! I’m partying with the Devil!”

A guy is belly up to the bar at his local pub, really tying one on, when a shot goes down a little rough and he vomits a bit down the front of his shirt.

“God dammit,” he mumbles. Looking down at his ruined shirt, then up at the bartender, he continues, “Now I’m fucked. My wife is going to kill me. I’m not even supposed to be out tonight!”

“Hey, don’t sweat it, buddy,” the bartender replies, smiling and slipping a $20 bill in the guy’s shirt pocket. “Just tell your wife that you were walking past the bar on you way home, some old drunk stumbled out and vomited on you, and then felt so bad he gave you $20 to pay for the dry cleaning bill.”

Drunk Baby

The guy agrees that this is a genius idea, and orders another round with renewed vigor and lifted spirits (so to speak).

Hours later, after fumbling at the door with his keys, the guy finally finds his way into his house, where his wife is waiting at the foot of the stairs in her bathrobe. Immediately, she starts giving him the business, cursing him up and down, telling him what a lousy, no-good, two-bit sonofabitch he is, when she notices the vomit stain.

“And just look at that!” she yells, red-faced. “For a hopeless drunk, you can’t hold your booze for shit! Another shirt ruined, and all because you were out drinking!”

“Honey, HONEY!” He finally interrupts, holding his hands up in defense. Collecting himself, he explains that he wasn’t out drinking at all, and tells her all about the drunk vomiter and his generous apology, and the $20 bill.

Eyes narrowed, she notices two $20 bills in his shirt pocket.

“Well if that guy gave you $20 to pay for the cleaning, then how come there are two $20 bills in your shirt?!”

“Well, honey, you see, the guy, he ahhhh…” stammers the man, “…he crapped in my pants, too.”

Just Some Joke #2

Octopus w:Bagpipes

A man walks into a bar with a large octopus underneath his arm. Ignoring the stares of the other patrons, he walks up, pushes a stool aside, flops the octopus down on the bar with a squish, and puts his hands on his hips, scanning the suddenly attentive room.

Octopus w:Bagpipes

“This octopus,” the man intones, “is a world-class, virtuoso musician. I’m announcing a standing wager of $100 that says this octopus can play any musical instrument you put in front of it!”

All eyes then turn questioningly to the members of the band, who have just gone on break.

This guy’s full of shit, thinks the trumpet player. He grabs his horn off its stand, marches over to the bar, and loudly slaps a $100 bill down.

“Let’s see him do something with this,” he says, thrusting the trumpet into the mass of tentacles.

The octopus envelops the trumpet, turns it around a few times, works the valves a bit with his tentacles, fits his beak into the mouthpiece…and out comes the most fantastic jazz trumpet anybody in the bar has ever heard! High notes, low notes, loud and soft, with great melodies to boot. Pretty soon the whole place erupts in applause as the trumpet player takes his now-slimy trumpet back to the bandstand, his wallet $100 lighter.

Man, fuck this octopus, thinks the tenor saxophone player.

“Hey!” he yells as he saunters towards the bar, “let’s see him do something with this!”

Well no sooner has the sax player slapped a $100 bill down and handed the octopus his horn when out of the mass of tentacles comes the most incredible jazz saxophone playing anyone in the bar has ever heard! Furious flurries of notes fly from the horn, each one better than the last, and pretty soon the whole room is clapping along. Finishing with a soulful, bluesy flourish, the octopus hands the horn back to the dejected sax player, who glumly returns it to the bandstand amid uproarious laughter and disbelieving applause.

Suddenly, the doors fly open, and all eyes are drawn to the stranger who has busted in, short of breath. As he slowly makes his way towards the bar, people finally begin to recognize the item he’s holding in both hands as a set of bagpipes.

The murmuring of the crowd dies down as the bagpiper fixes the octopus’s owner with a challenging stare.

“Here,” he says, presenting the bagpipes with a shove. “let’s see him do something with these!”

So the octopus takes the bagpipes and wraps his tentacles around them.

He turns them upside down.

Then right side up.

Then left-wise.

Then top-ways.

Then under-side-ways and back around again.

Finally, after about a minute of this with no music coming out, the flustered owner glares down at the octopus.

“Well? Are you gonna play that thing or what?”

Play it?!” replies the octopus, breathing hard and covered in sweat. “Hell, I’m gonna fuck it once I can figure out how to get its pajamas off!”

 

Just Some Joke #1

"Where everyone looks like they smell like pee."

A man is sitting at his desk one day when he hears a voice:

Quit your job. Sell your stuff. Go to Vegas.

The man looks around, but sees no one nearby. After a moment of fleeting curiosity, he goes back to his work.

About a month later, the man is again sitting at his desk when he hears the voice:

Quit your job. Sell your stuff. Go to Vegas.

The man spins quickly around, looks up and down the wall and under the desk but can find nothing. Once again, he turns back to his work.

This keeps happening every month. And then every week. And then every day, every hour, until every five minutes of every day the man hears the voice:

Quit your job. Sell your stuff. Go to Vegas.

As one can imagine, he can’t work, he can’t sleep, and he becomes irritable with his family. His life is in shambles, and finally he’s had enough. He quits his job, sells all of his belongings, and goes to Vegas with a big wad of cash.

"Where everyone looks like they smell like pee."

“Where everyone looks like they smell like pee.”

Upon arriving in Vegas he hears the voice:

Go to Caesar’s Palace.

Desperate for relief, he goes to Caesar’s Palace and hears the voice:

Go to the Roulette table.

Soaked in sweat, he gets to the Roulette table and hears the voice:

Red 24.

His heart pounding, he puts all his money on Red 24.

The dealer spins the wheel, throws the ball, and finally announces the winning number: “Black 14.”

After a moment’s pause, the man again hears the voice:

…Fuck!